We have two options for dealing with interpersonal conflict: we either (1) protect our pride or (2) learn in our humility. The final pearl in memory’s strand is learning. Solomon taught learning as one of the twelve purposes of Proverbs, “Let the wise listen and add to their learning” (Prov. 1:5). Proverbs offers four insights to learning both for and from conflict. The Thirty Sayings of the Wise begin with four insights to learning, “Pay attention and listen to the sayings of the wise; apply your heart to what I teach, for it is pleasing when you keep them in your heart and have all of them ready on your lips. So that your trust may be in the LORD, I teach you today, even you” (Prov. 22:17-19). When it comes to learning, we must:
- Pay attention
- Listen
- Apply our hearts to learning wisdom
- Keep the wisdom in our hearts, ready on our lips
The purpose of learning wisdom is to lean on God (Prov. 22:19). We can remember these insights in four images:
- Motivate like honey
- Dig like miners
- Soak like sponges
- Recall like warehouses
IMAGE #1: Motivate like Honey (Prov. 22:17; 24:13-14; 15:33; 19:25)
Learning for conflict --
First, we must motivate like honey to learn, in order to pay attention (Prov. 22:17). Pay attention literally means “to bend the ear.” Rabbis motivated their young students to pay attention, by giving them a spoonful of honey before learning. The Thirty Sayings of the Wise record this motivation, “Eat honey, my son, for it is good; honey from the comb is sweet to your taste. Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off” (Prov. 24:13-14). In order to learn wisdom for conflict, we must motivate like honey with our ears bent as we pay attention to our earthly sources of heavenly wisdom. This motivation should occur in all four chambers of the heart: (1) will (Prov. 8:10); (2) intellect (Prov. 15:33); (3) spirit (Prov. 20:27); and (4) emotions (Prov. 8:11). When we are humbly motivated to learn wisdom with all four chambers of our hearts, we choose it, meditate on it, pray for it, and want it. Consequently, it helps us to discover how we are motivated to pay attention.
Dr. Howard Gardner, a Harvard professor, has researched this topic discovering seven intelligences that exist in each person in varying degrees. Each one acts as an internal motivation to learn. They include: (1) interpersonal—the gift to connect with others; (biblical examples are Lazarus’ sister Mary, Peter, David, and Barnabas); (2) intrapersonal—the gift to connect with our own emotions (Joseph, David, Samuel, Daniel, John); (3) math/logical—the ability to work with numbers and systematize thought (Noah, Paul); (4) musical—the mastering of instruments and vocals (David, Moses, Solomon); (5) bodily kinesthetic—disciplining one’s body like an athlete (Sampson, David and his mighty men); (6) linguistic—being good with words (Aaron, David, Solomon, Paul); and (7) spatial—the ability to see how pieces fit within space (Noah, Nehemiah). Dr. Gardner has added to his original list an eighth intelligence: naturalistic—the ability to interact effectively with the environment (Adam and Solomon). Gardner has considered adding to the list: spiritual, existential, and moral.
Learning from conflict --
In the midst of conflict, we either protect our pride or learn in our humility that begins with God as our object. Solomon observed vertical humility as the source of wisdom, “The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor” (Prov. 15:33). In order to humbly learn from our conflict, we must motivate like honey as we bend our ears and humbly pay attention horizontally to our counterparts in conflict. When we protect our pride, we do not pay attention vertically to the interests of God and horizontally to the interests of others.
Solomon noted how the humble pay attention and learn from conflict management, “Flog a mocker, and the simple will learn prudence; rebuke a discerning man, and he will gain knowledge” (Prov. 19:25). While in our conflict, we should pay attention to our motives, examining our hearts for pride that selfishly protects. We accomplish this by asking ourselves what is motivating us in the conflict. Next, we ask if our answer is consistent with God’s wisdom. Our motives during the conflict might seem innocent to us, but God examines our hearts to weigh our desires for pride or humility (Prov. 16:2).
PAUSE and Let Wisdom Work. . .
Motivate like honey. In order to learn wisdom for conflict, write down the two intelligences that best describe you and pursue the development of these motivations. To learn from conflict, ask yourself, “What motivates me in this conflict?” Next, ask, “Are my motives consistent with God’s wisdom?”
IMAGE #2: Dig like Miners (Prov. 22:17; 9:9; 16:21)
Learning for conflict --
Second, we must dig like miners and listen to wise sayings (Prov. 22:17). This means that we get into our Bibles and read a chapter each day in Proverbs. As we dig into the pages of the Scriptures, we mine for the wisdom that God offers through Solomon’s writings. In order to dig like miners, we should determine: (1) where and (2) how we dig.
First, we ask, “Where?” “Where do we dig best: in light or dark settings; eating and drinking or abstaining?” “Where do we like the temperature set: hot or cold?“Where do we prefer the background volume be turned: loud noise such as television or music, or quiet?” These are important questions for us to identify where we dig best.
Next, we ask, “How?” How do we dig: with what (concrete) or why (abstract)? Concrete diggers search for facts, asking, “What?” Abstract diggers seek ideas and theories, asking, “Why?” Some of us need to know why before we care to know what.
Learning from conflict --
We flesh out our desire to dig like miners in our conflict by listening to the other person(s) involved. Solomon taught that we listen best when we are wise in heart. This wisdom resident in the core of our beings helps us separate wise conflict management from that which is foolish and shapes our words to be peaceful, enhancing learning. Solomon reflected, “The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction” (Prov. 16:21). Instruction is translated from the same Hebrew word as learning (see KJV).
PAUSE and Let Wisdom Work. . .
Dig like a miner. To learn for conflict, get out your Bible and read a chapter each day in Proverbs. Dig for the wisdom God offers through Solomon’s writings. Determine where you dig best and whether you are a concrete or abstract digger. Knowing whether you dig for what or why enhances the probability that you will find what you are mining. In order to learn from conflict, listen to the other person(s) involved.
IMAGE #3: Soak like Sponges (Prov. 22:17; 9:9; 24:32; 13:14)
Learning for conflict --
Third, we must soak like sponges, or apply our hearts to wisdom, in order to retain it (Prov. 22:17). We need to develop a system to learn wisdom so that it soaks into the fabric of our lives. Typically, we do not remember information because we never really learned it. Consequently, we learn best when we develop a system to retain the information that we mine when reading the Bible. This soaking system enhances retention by hanging the information to be learned on something that we already know. Solomon advised, “Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning” (Prov. 9:9). The more we know, the easier it becomes to know more. To be effective, a soaking system should be: (1) visual, (2) imaginative, and (3) active.
We must determine how we best retain, or soak like sponges, as we apply our hearts to wisdom. We soak in either: (1) sequential or (2) random order. Sequential soakers must develop a memory system with prioritized order. An example is outlining information in a systematic (often chronological) order, creating bigger buckets for the smaller detailed information to fit. Random soakers need not prioritize order; rather, they can take in information as it relates to them. This frees random soakers to read the end of a book first, comprehend the big idea, and grasp concepts that are pertinent to their specific set of circumstances.
When we use visual images, imagination, and action as well as determine whether we soak best in sequential or random order, we are equipped to recall, not merely recognize what we have learned. For example, many of us can remember praying for multiple-choice tests over essays so that we would be required to merely recognize the answers. One effective method for soaking for recall is mind-mapping which features three functions: (1) centering the big idea, (2) chunking the parts into no more than four components placed in circular order with each connected to the central idea by drawing a line, and (3) linking each component with the next as well as the big idea in the center. This is accomplished by sketching images for each component. The placement of the images on different quadrants of the page allow for recall, rather than mere recognition.
Learning from conflict --
In order to learn from conflict, we must observe our behavior as well as that of others in order to soak up wisdom. Proverbs notes that when our hearts soak up what we observe during conflict, we learn. “I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw” (Prov. 24:32). This soaking satisfies our thirst for wisdom, an endless wellspring of life for conflict management, “The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death” (Prov. 13:14).
PAUSE and Let Wisdom Work. . .
Soak like a sponge. To learn for conflict, develop a system to remember a key verse or concept in Proverbs. Hang the new information on something that you already know. Make the system visual, imaginative, and active. Perhaps, create a mind-map. If you are a sequential soaker, develop your system with order, first things first. Outline the order of what you are trying to remember before going deeper and adding to it. If you are a random soaker, then you can identify big ideas and proceed with adding the concepts that apply best to your situation. In order to learn from conflict, observe the behavior of all involved in the dispute, and apply your heart to soaking and retaining wisdom.
IMAGE #4: Recall like Warehouses (Prov. 22:18; 2:1; 3:1; 16:23)
Learning for conflict --
Fourth, we must recall like warehouses, storing up the wise sayings that we have learned and organizing them for efficient recall, “Keep them in your heart and have all of them ready on your lips” (Prov. 22:18). Solomon informed that wisdom would come to us if we would function as warehouses, “My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you” (Prov. 2:1). Accept is translated from the Hebrew root for learning. Solomon went on to clarify that recalling flowed from warehousing wisdom in our hearts, “My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart” (Prov. 3:1). This occurs when we soak with the same method that we recall.
Consequently, we must determine how we recall what we learn. We recall by seeing, hearing, or doing. Soaking in the same manner that we recall enhances the learning process. For example, if we used images to soak, then we see the images when we recall. If we used sounds to soak, then we hear when we recall. If we used action to soak, then we do action when we recall. The converse is true as well.
Next, we must determine whether we recall big or small concepts. If we recall big concepts, we are global. We remember the book title, maybe a few chapter titles, as well as the major concept. if we recall small concepts, we are analytical. We remember the parts better than the whole, details more than broad concepts. Recognizing what we recall equips us to develop a system to soak in the same style in which we recall. This compensates for our weaknesses in learning. For example, if we are analytical, we should outline the big ideas of a book by first scanning it so that we do not miss the main message overlooking the forest through the trees.
Learning from conflict --
In order to learn from interpersonal conflict, we need to warehouse information that is shared during our tensions. Too often we do not organize a system to retain and recall this information. The result is a wrong word spoken at the wrong time when God intended the opposite for the benefit of all involved (Prov. 25:11). Solomon offered wisdom for our words, “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction” (Prov. 16:23). Instruction is from the Hebrew for learning (see KJV). When we function as warehouses, we promote learning for ourselves as well as others.
PAUSE and Let Wisdom Work. . .
Recall like an organized warehouse. To learn for conflict, recall your memory verse or concept and apply it to your life. Whether you recall either big or small concepts by seeing, hearing, or doing, construct a system to help you soak and recall in the same way. In order to learn from conflict, warehouse the valuable information shared during interpersonal tensions, retaining and recalling it in a fashion that allows you to communicate wisely.
Conclusion:
Learning empowers us with wisdom to wisely manage conflict. In order to learn for conflict, we must: (1) motivate like honey; (2) dig like miners reading a chapter in Proverbs each day; (3) soak like sponges, memorizing a verse or concept that helps us retain wisdom; and (4) recall like warehouses that wisdom on a daily basis. To learn from conflict, we must do the same: (1) pay attention to our counterparts; (2) listen to them; (3) apply our hearts to soak up their shared information to retain it; and (4) recall like warehouses that valuable information in order to communicate wisely, keeping wise sayings in our hearts having all of them ready on our lips.
We enhance our learning when we: (1) discover our motivations by determining our top two intelligences; (2) dig where and how we were designed; (3) soak to retain with a memory system in the order that we prefer, using visual images, action, and imagination; and (4) recall what we were designed to remember in the manner that we were designed to recall it. That’s learning, and learning increases our wisdom for conflict management.
We were designed to learn wisdom so that we would lean on God, rather than lean on ourselves, protecting our pride. Solomon summarized the purpose of learning wisdom, “So that your trust may be in the LORD” (Prov. 22:19). Humility toward God is the beginning (Prov. 1:7; 9:10; 11:2; 22:4) and the end (Prov. 22:19) of wisdom. Consequently, we lean to learn, and we learn to lean. Jesus Christ is the wisdom of God (1 Cor. 1:24). He invites us to learn from Him because He is humble in heart (Matt. 11:29). When we humbly accept His invitation, we begin new life as His disciples with His Spirit dwelling in us. Consequently, when we learn both for and from conflict, it is not merely we, but Christ in us doing so. |
